Find It Inside Yourself

When Iv got a bit of time that isn’t filled with something else I like to write down some of what flows in and through my mind. This really could be a full time job and one that I believe I would be very fulfilled with. Until that time I will send it out into the world as and when I can.

To enable these thoughts to get out more easily I just kind of type and see what comes through. Due to that the grammar here may have plenty of room for improvement.

So what are you going to find inside yourself?

Quite likely all of the answers that you are looking for. That sounds like a tall order and also one that many a “spiritual” enthusiast will tell you, but multiple attempts to prove it wrong in my own life has always brought me back inside and usually to a deeper level.

My go to way to deal with emotions and stress in the past was exercise and sports that brought me joy. It worked like a charm for a large part of my life and is something that I am eternally grateful for. Being able to move my body and also having the gift of one that resonated easily with activity was a blessing.

One day after an accident that left me with spinal injuries, that fail safe for my emotions and stresses was taken away by one miss-timed step on some stairs. As I lay at the bottom of those stairs shouting for my wife take the baby from my arms that I had been holding. Thankfully she was completely protected by using myself to break the fall and not letting go of her.

For myself though as she was taken from my arms and I experienced some of the most extreme pain I had felt. Something really broke inside of me. I’d had many accidents over the years that involved me being rushed to hospitals but something was very different about this one.

Something felt very wrong physically. I was also hit with emotions of the most sadness and loneliness I had ever experienced. Fast forward a little and I was spending most of my time in a chair or lying in a bed. Overwhelmed with emotions and having many issues mentally, partly due to not having an outlet and also due to trauma from hits to the head over the years.

I was left with nothing else to do but go inside. My mind was a frantic mess, physical pain was intense and emotions were flying around constantly.

Over time I learnt about breathing techniques, meditation, love, gratitude, forgiveness, visualization, intention, metaphysics, universal energies and so much more. Randomly I would be told a word or asked a question that lead me down a new path. I became obsessed with self healing and found the more I meditated and went deeper and deeper inside the more I found. This wasn’t really a pretty process and was incredibly challenging. The times when I wanted to give up I would look outside again and realize I had no other option but to keep doing what I was doing.

As I gained more and more acceptance of my circumstances I randomly would relish these journeys into parts of myself that previously I didn’t know existed. Many times I found realizations and surprises that I didn’t really want to find and other times I found the deepest of understandings, love, gratitude and fulfillment.

These ah ha moments were what I started to live for. I had some confidence that each time I went through I dip something meaningful would come out of the other end. My faith faltered on many occasions only to be book ended by immense gratitude when I wasn’t expecting it.

The repeated pattern and truth though was that all true fulfillment was an inside job. It needed nothing really from the outside world. It brought the deepest of connections with people and the planet around me yet relied on them for very little to enable this fulfillment inside at the same time. Many hours I spent generally motionless staring at nature connected to my breath building stronger and stronger feelings of love and gratitude.

These feelings could quickly leave but when they did they never took with them the knowing that I could get back to that place again.

Once you find a way to your inner self and soul the path remains open to you.